I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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