Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
