I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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