just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
