I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
