i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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