did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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