two words...techno handjob
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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