just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
