Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
