do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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