Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
