i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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