My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
