bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
