my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Operation Purity has been aborted
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
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