Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
