Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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