Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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