after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
