They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
