like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
