he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
