You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
