It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
