Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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