Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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