i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
BRING THE BAGELS
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
