apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
