You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize