FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
