where am i from again
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Randomize
