mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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