Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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