So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Too much gin, very little bucket
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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