So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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