well you can't waste a boner
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
