Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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