Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
i believe in u and ur pee
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
