Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
