yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
