i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
