six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
