before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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