i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
