My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
