All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize