he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
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