To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
