this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
