Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
