i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize