you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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