I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
