I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
