tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
