From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
