We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
