Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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