It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
